Friday, July 3, 2009

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Just a quick note to say I'm still alive and kicking. Not much has been happening recently. I finally asked the guy I've been seeing if he'd like to spend the weekend together. We've been casually getting together for 2 months now, and I figured it would be nice to spend the holiday together. I have a strong feeling he wasn't that receptive to the idea. With all his joking about wanting to get to "know" me, when I finally acquiesed to the idea, he seemed to back off. So now I'm left to wondering.

Today I took a long drive to try and clear my head. It's amazing how much clearer I think when I'm alone in the car with no destination to hurry to. It's just me, the road, and whatever music was on. In this case it was a station on XM called Coffee House. Pretty good "unplugged" music, which at this point, was very soothing.

I drove through some towns that were all decked out in their Red, White, and Blue finest. Naperville is having a Ribfest and from what I hear, it's pretty damn good. La Grange is having a picnic in the park day tomorrow. Downer's Grove is having a street festival. To be honest, it felt like I was driving through an endless parade of Norman Rockwell paintings.

For the past couple of weeks I've had this strong urge to retreat back into myself. I don't know if it's because I'm facing possible surgery on my ankle, again. Maybe it's because I'm in a new place and haven't really made any close friends or connections. But more than likely it's because I'm not working yet. It's amazing how one defines his/her entire life around what they do for a living. Take that away and what's left.

I guess this is me trying to figure out who I am, yet again. Something we all do, but at 50 years old, I would have thought by now I'd be pretty sure of who and what I am. Mabybe this is what they call a midlife crisis? It's pretty daunting when one comes to the reality that he has no job, no home, no friends to gather around and yet he's still got to keep plugging away.

So, in the end I guess I'm being called to coccoon. Rebuild my life and my thoughts. Reshape myself for the possibilities ahead. Here's to hoping the product of this respective is stronger, more resilient, self-assured, and independent.

To all who are coccooning also, may you be the brilliant butterfly you've always dreamed you'd be; beautiful, graceful, artistic, and independent.